Life in black and white

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 06:26:22 GMT

Finally I have some initiative to try and improve my life and I find out at the doctors that there's something wrong. I'm sick without realising it. Family improved for a week or two until today. I feel so diappointed today because I've tried so hard and I've had no improvement. And as much as I want to reply to people's words of encouragement in the previous entry I just can't find the words. But thank you.

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 03:31:42 GMT

I don't care who reads this and what judgement they make because I'm honest to God going insane and my skin is just screaming to get rid of all of my problems. Most of which are emotional or just in my head because I'm not the most normal of characters that you'll come along. Big things don't phase me, but when it's little things I pick at them to no end until I'm upset or frustrated.

First of all, my family. Who are the most horrible people in the face of this planet. I could see the same stranger over and over more often than I would see my family who live ten minutes away from me. They are cowards, and that upsets me. My mum, has three other siblings. Two brothers and a sister. Her sister, my aunty Robyn, is the epitome of horrible. To your face, she is a kind woman, but behind your back she is a witch. My mum, dad and I are one of the outsiders in my family, and because of that I never see my family. Because of my aunties grudge (or what ever it is that she doesn't like about us), her two children, my cousins Melissa and Jason, I will never get to see. Or their children, who are only 2 years old. I'll never get to know them. My mum's brother, uncle Terry tries to play dad. If I'm upset, he will try to cheer me up. But we rarely him, his wife (my aunty), or their kids (my two cousins who are 13). My other uncle, Robert, I never see unless he wants something. I will never get to know my cousin Molly, who is only 7 because they don't keep in touch either. And my grandmother, she is one of the worst. She manipulates my family. She tells someone one thing, and then to the other she twists the story. I almost trusted her until my mum explained what a bad person she was. I will never get to know any of my family, all there is is my mum, dad and I. And sometimes I can't even trust them.

On my dad's side is my step-sister. Who I rarely see. Who I don't think even ackloledges me as her sister to her friends. I see her once a year, or twice if I am lucky. When I think about sisters, I think about two friends who are close and share everything. I'm so distanced from her that I don't even remember her birthday, or what her high school was like. My dad loves her, he adores and respects her so much. And then there's me, who is called stupid and is hurt so many times during the day that I am numb to all feelings towards him. I can't even tell him that I love him because I fear him so much. And my mum, who I was close to. I don't know what drove us apart. I love her, of all the people on his planet, I trust her the most.
Now, to friends. We all know they are backstabbers, everyone is. More so to me. I've been hurt more times than anyone could understand, and my only close friend, who I really loved moved away, and I hardly talk to her. Every other friend, I can't trust. I have a problem with that. People will see that I'm upset but I can't tell them the reason why, because I don't like upsetting people or talking about it at all. Most times I'll just cry in the bathrooms at school and hope that no one will find me. I like attention, when I talk to someone, I want them to be talking to me. I hate being runner-up to other people. I want their undivided attention, but I never do. It upsets me, because I try to build friendships, and no sooner than I do that, there's someone bigger and better and more stimulating that I don't even try anymore. I don't care about anything, because I feel so numb. And to say that cutting would be a fantastic option is a lie, because that would just list me as someone being stupid and doing something stupid, and I'm not that person. I just wait until everything has bottled up so much that my hands shake and my skin screams out to the nearest person to me. And most times I sit on my hands and talk as least as I can because I don't like being vulnerable and discussing my problems. And that's probably why my relationship with my mum is dying. I also don't talk about my problems because I don't want sympathy, and because talking about it finds no resolution. More than oftern I get awws and poor girls, because no one knows what to say. And no one cares, I know. I used to spend most of my life at the computer to hide away and pretend to be someone else because I don't like the world, but even fictional worlds isn't doing anything to make me feel better. It's just making me feel more lonesome.

Physically, I'm not pretty. I have blue eyes and blonde hair, sure, but I'm not pretty. Another reason for why at times I'm so introverted, because I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. It's 30 degrees at school and I cover myself up with a jumper. I don't like the way I look, I would cover up mirrors if I could to just not see myself, becuase it makes me feel sick at times.

Basically, I am lonesome. Extremely. Extremely left out from everything this world has to offer and feeling incompitent. I've been treated so bad that I feel like the dumbest person on the very surface of this planet. And because of that my mind shuts down, and I am numb. I may appear to be happy but I am so miserable that I feel like I won't step out of this continues circle of feeling like absolute, useless shit.

That was me sharing.

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 22:14:21 GMT

It's obvious I'm not going to write anything interesting any time soon, or at all. Just take a look at my role play and register as someone.

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Sun, 11 Dec 2005 10:37:05 GMT

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Fri, 09 Dec 2005 22:15:41 GMT

PLEASE JOIN RESPECTABLES___

Sat, 03 Dec 2005 23:06:52 GMT

Everyone join ___Idolized

It's amusing

008: I MET THE STROKES.

Thu, 24 Nov 2005 09:35:43 GMT

So, it's a wednesday night, it's 10. I'm at Emma's, waiting for her and we get a bus to central. There were more sleazy men on the bus than at the Gaelic club. Em and I made our way there, the strokes were playing, we were waiting out the back where they leave with 15 other peeps and before their encore they make an apparence. Drinking and cooling down, they're all sweating. It was awesome. Julian was really kind, he danced for us for a while before they all went back on stage. And at 11, they came out again, and got into their getaway car. Fab was nice enough to talk to us, HE IS ADORABLE. He asked everyone if they were any good, and we all told them to come back again. They will next June, which is awesome! I'll add the photos I have later.

That was short because details ruin the experience for me!

007:

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 04:20:37 GMT

I haven't been arsed lately to post on here, but I have been reading, and hello to you all! I hope everyone is well.

So, right, I've had bad karma this month. I've been trying to remember what exactly I did but a number of things have happened:

- The argument between my family is still going. But only now my aunt has been discluding my mum, dad and I from every family event. I can deal with that I suppose. My mum and dad went to see my uncle for his birthday and everyone from my mum's side of my family was there. Great fun.
- My mum is sick again. She has a tumour somewhere. And I'm worried sick about her fucking health, she smokes like a chimney. Umm, what else? She seems to think I don't like her, and that I try to ignore her. She wishes that we had a relationship. I don't understand her because I try.
- Friends, don't get me started.
- School, our principal has found excuses to keep us at school. So when everyone is out having fun, we're doing fucking classes about relaxation.
- The one concert I was looking forward to this year is now 18+, and it's killing me because all of my friends are rubbing it in. It'll be 10pm and all of my mates will be inside listening to them play and I'll be a fucking idiot standing outside hoping I'll hear them.

Nothing ever goes right.

006:

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 22:47:34 GMT

It's been a while since I've updatted so I'll do it today. Since the holidays I've gone back to school and just yesterday was my 16th birthday (the 14th). I'm going to use this post as a vent. I had a great day, and a fantastic party. Gabi, Chrissy and Ellie requested a happy birthday tune from the entertainers, so everyone in the Forum sang, it was hilarious. I was spoiled by Chrissy, Phyllis and Maria so much. I got to see my friends Pat and Alicia who I rarely see. It was terrific. Now to my point:

I'm probably sounding extremely selfish when I type this, and maybe it's because compared to last years birthday, this one wasn't as exciting. My group of friends, (Emma, Siobhan, Shannan and Jason), we all devised a great way to celebrate parties during school. And even though this year it wasn't exactly parties, but we all put in money for a big present and card to give them on the day. I know it was last minute for them, and that they couldn't get my present because they ordered it - but you'd think they would give me a card or something. I suppose I just had high expectations because last year was so much fun. What I mean is, my friends made more of an effort than my close friends did on my 16th of all years.

OK, I'm done. I had a good time, I was surrounded by the people I love, and I'll always remember dancing around with my friend Bronwyn to Italian music.

See the rest here.

Jessica.

005: Follow this feeling.

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 06:35:56 GMT

I have this thing for Jimmy and Drew. I think they're great on-screen and off. Since '99 in SNL I adored them. I secretly think Jimmy has a thing for Drew lol.

Please comment if you decide to use them.

Jessica.

003: You got me on my knees.

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 04:53:46 GMT

And so, we shall rejoice. Holidays. 2 weeks of absolutely nothing. Midday movies, lazing around in pyjamas, chatting and having the time to clean my room up. I was watching 'Day Dream Believer: The Monkee's Story,' today. I was fooled about a moment before I realised that Davey Jones was played by a poor actor with a British accent and sporting the largest eyebrows I've ever seen. By the end of the film, they'd lost their careers, but young, hormonal teens still ran up to them on the beach asking for them to sing. That resulted in a giant orgy or dancing in the sand like pop culture weirdos.

Yeah, ok, this really had no point. 18 days 'til my birthday.

Jessica.

002: You see the criple dance.

Sun, 18 Sep 2005 00:35:25 GMT

10 Drew icons with lyrics from Tears for Fears; Who killed Tangerine.

001: And when you think it's all over.

Sat, 17 Sep 2005 23:30:18 GMT

First update. First new update. I decided to delete all of my old entries and start over. It first began with my pretty layout. And I now plan to:
- Be optimistic.
- Pleasant.
- Calm & collected.
- Happy.
- Charming.

There are probably a few more things I'd like to add to that list, but I'll edit that later.

As for an update, because I've not posted in months, I've been OK. I've centered my life around my school-work and passing this grade to complete year 10 and then move onto 11 and 12. I still don't know what I'm going to do as a career, maybe something involving design, but I do know for sure that I don't want to spend my life working in a supermarket like my friend Emma.

I'm really looking forward to my birthday next month, the 14th of October, because I'll be sweet 16. I don't see the significance of being 16, maybe I'll find out once I turn that age. I'll be glad when it comes around as well, because it means I'll have School Certificate and then it will be The Formal and the end of the year. Christmas and New Years, hurrah.

Nothing at too interesting is happening. I went to Newtown, got the sexiest Blondie t-shirt and some pearls.

Jessica.

000: It evaporated, see?

Sat, 17 Sep 2005 07:25:29 GMT

This is FRIENDS ONLY. I have deleted everything and am starting out fresh. Isn't it awesome? I'll be posting nonsense, pictures, graphics, lyrics.

AIM: FlowerChildDrew.